Do you feel sad when you think about your love life? Do you feel like you’re always attracted to the “wrong” people and don’t understand why?
By “wrong,” I mean anyone who sets conditions on what you have to do to earn their love. The wrong partner is someone who doesn’t fully support who you are, who judges and condemns aspects of your personality, and invalidates your wants and needs.
It also refers to anyone who is unavailable or afraid of commitment.
Is Your Childhood To Blame?
If you’ve been having the recurring experience of getting involved with people who aren’t right for you, there are several reasons, but the main one comes from what happened to you as a child. When you were a little child, some aspect of who you were was rejected by the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally. Maybe you were expressing emotion, and that emotion wasn’t welcome.
You may have been told that “we don’t use that tone of voice in this house,” or “you’re being ridiculous!” The message may have been subtle or direct, but the implication was that some part of you wasn’t okay.
Rejection is very scary for a child, because children know intuitively that if they are cast out from the tribe, they can’t take care of themselves and will die. That fear of rejection (and death) gets carried into your adult relationships, and you might develop strategies for avoiding intimacy. Real intimacy is the willingness to be seen, and when you were seen as a child you were rejected. So on some level, you are probably afraid of being seen and rejected again.
So what happens? Either you are attracted to unavailable people (who can’t see you clearly), or you attract people you have to jump through hoops to get it right for — just like when you were a kid. Your inner child will do anything to get the approval she never got growing up, and sometimes that means pursuing relationships in which she has to work very hard to earn someone’s love.
What’s The Solution?
How can you fix this? By developing a new, loving relationship with yourself. Most of us learned to reject ourselves after our families rejected us. Stop rejecting yourself, start having compassion for yourself, and you’ll begin attracting people that love you the way you love yourself.
It’s not easy to change deeply seated patterns from childhood, but you can do this! I’ve done it, and my clients have done it. You can release all the self-judgments that hold you back from creating and being drawn to the relationship of your dreams. Start seeing yourself as the innocent, divine being you are and always have been. You’re worthy of love just as you are. Right now!