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When I was old enough to read and understand love stories, I decided that “one day, a man would come,” and when he did, I would finally be happy. No longer would I feel alone and afraid, left to face life’s challenges on my own. I invested in this story with all my faith, and it never occurred to me that it might not happen.
Years passed, and relationships came and went, but I clung to the thought that my life partner would show up as soon as life’s major lessons were learned and past traumas were healed. Then I saw that life’s challenges kept coming, lessons kept emerging, new awakenings continued to happen, and… for God’s sake, where was he?
I was in my thirties when my younger brother said something that changed my life. “Hey!” he shouted, after hearing another one of my stories about being disappointed in love. “Stop trying to find a man! Focus on yourself and make your life what you want it to be.”
I was stunned, and a little embarrassed to realize that I had never considered this before. Create a life without a man? As a single woman? As a fulfilled and happy single woman??? A whole new way of looking at life opened in front of me.
I started focusing on the passions I had put on the back burner, like creating my own business and helping other people. I didn’t give up on meeting my life partner, though. I still wanted it, but I let go of the idea that my life would be incomplete without it. I started listening to my spirit guides, and received these four steps to finding my ultimate relationship, which I followed and ultimately found.
Step #1: Believe that something different can actually happen.
This is about your mindset, and making a decision that you can have the relationship you’re seeking. It’s about believing that something other than what you’ve been experiencing is possible. It’s also about having a beginner’s mind.
So often, when we’ve been disappointed over and over again, the mind starts to protect us from further disappointment by being cynical or jaded about things. You might start having thoughts like, “This will never happen to me, so I might as well stop trying.” Or, “All men are a, b, and c.” Or, “women are always (fill in the blank).”
As you’re stepping back into the world of dating or starting again from wherever you are, stay vigilant to these thoughts. They are trying to protect you, but they keep your heart closed and are not the truth. It’s okay to have them occasionally, as long as you don’t adopt them as your truth.
Step 1 is about keeping the faith and believing in your dream, knowing that no matter how many times you’ve been heartbroken, it is possible to have the relationship you’re seeking. It has to be possible, because we live in a universe where anything is possible. I really believe that.
Step 2: Stay open to what your ultimate partner might really be like.
When I was dating and looking for a husband, I read a law of attraction book telling me to make a list of all the qualities I wanted in a partner. So I got special paper and highlighters, and I made a list that must’ve had 100 things on it. I wanted him to be tall and blonde and spiritual, funny and smart. I cut out a picture of a famous actor playing a role in a movie that I thought epitomized these qualities, and I kept it in my wallet next to the big list.
One day, I had an epiphany. I realized that by carrying this list around, I was limiting myself. I was essentially telling the universe what I thought was the best man for me. I remember very clearly the day I burned the list and threw away the picture. I remember saying, “OK, Universe — I’m going to leave this up to you. You pick somebody out for me.”
It’s a very powerful energetic act to be willing to surrender control over the details of what you want. The man I ended up marrying is not tall or blonde, and in many ways he’s the opposite of some of the things I wrote on my list. And he’s absolutely perfect for me. But I wouldn’t have been smart enough to pick him out of a crowd when I was looking.
Have you ever gone shopping for clothes with a friend who picks out an outfit for you that you’d never pick out for yourself or even notice on the rack, and it looks amazing on you? Let the universe be that friend. Let the universe (or God, your angels, whatever you want to call it) pick your partner.
Your homework assignment, if you choose to accept it, is to make a list with all the qualities you want your perfect partner to have, and burn it. Do it with the intention of having an open mind and being open to who shows up for you. Trust that God knows more than you about who you’ll resonate well with.
Step #3: Talk to his or her soul.
This is a magical, fun step. You are an unlimited being, and you can talk to anyone, living or dead, by calling their soul to you. Close your eyes, and simply imagine their soul in front of you. You can visualize it as a bright ball of light, and as that ball of light hovers in front of you, go ahead and have a conversation. You can do this with a loved one who has passed, or you can do it with an ex-boyfriend or girlfriend that you have unfinished business with. It’s a soul-to-soul communication.
I used to call the soul of my future husband in front of me and say things like, “I am really looking forward to meeting you finally. I’m so excited to get to know you.” And I’d ask questions like, “What are you doing right now?” And I would listen for the answer. I would say things like, “I’m going to be at the Barnes and Noble on Friday night. Just letting you know.” Most of the time, I couldn’t hear anything back, but I spoke to him anyway. One time, when I asked what he was up to in his life, I heard, “I’m getting my finances in order, tying up some loose ends. I can’t wait to meet you, too.”
Of course, when you have conversations in your head, the tendency is to think you’re just making it all up. But this is how it works when I have conversations with spirit guides. They’re always right there, right next you, and you can practice by talking to them about everything. Don’t let your mind tell you that you’re a crazy person. Experiment and have fun with this. Our angels, guides, and loved ones in spirit can hear our thoughts. You can speak to the souls of the people who are meant to be in your life.
Step 4: Take the action you’re intuitively inspired to take.
As much as I wanted my soul mate to find me at Starbucks or Barnes and Noble, it just wasn’t going to happen that way. And looking back, I think this was the biggest mistake I made when I was searching for my ultimate relationship. I really expected it to fall into my lap. I thought that if love was meant to be, I shouldn’t have to do anything but sit back and wait. So I went about my routine for years, waiting, and nothing was happening.
What I didn’t realize was, I had to treat this like any other goal in my life. If your goal is to get a new job, you update your resume, and perhaps you sign up with some temp agencies. You start taking targeted actions that get you there. And it just never occurred to me that I was going to have to do anything to meet someone.
I actually met my husband online. I’m not advocating online dating as the only way to meet someone, but in my case, there was just no other way that he and I would have connected. We didn’t live close enough to each other that we would ever cross paths. Did I enjoy online dating? No. There were times I’d get so disgusted with the process that I’d pull my profile down for a few weeks, but I kept trying. I also went to workshops and classes on subjects that interested me in the hopes I would meet someone that way.
The universe needs options to deliver this relationship to you, and you’ve got to meet it halfway, and you do that by taking action.
If you’ve been struggling to find happiness in a relationship, or if your dream of a fulfilling relationship just hasn’t manifested yet, please know that there’s nothing wrong with you. You’re not defective, or damaged, or broken, or unable to love. You’re not being punished for something you did wrong, and you’re not unlovable. You are good enough, and you deserve to have a relationship that lights you up inside and supports who you are.
If you know deep down that you are lovable, you can be your best friend and ally in this life — and from that place — your search for love will already be fulfilled. And when you unite with someone it will be from a place of wholeness and joy.