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My name is Baljit, and I am a recovering people pleaser.
On the outside I looked like so many others, simply helping out the ones I love. This would be a terrible thing to say no to, wouldn’t it?
It took me way too long to become aware of my addiction, but I am grateful that I did wake up, for now I know the truth of how it was keeping me small and feeling insignificant.
Doing Things for Others Wasn’t the Problem…
I still love helping people – it’s the core WHY in my business.
But when I kept hearing my mind scream “no” and my mouth automatically utter “yes”, I knew this wasn’t good. I could lie to others, but not myself. My body would tell the truth, my time and energy was over-extended. Saying yes, and secretly meaning no made me feel awkward, keeping a mental score with others and eventually resenting the people who knew they could always count on me – for anything.
Why I Always Said, “Yes”…
My biggest fear when I recognized this issue for what it truly was that if I didn’t say yes, then I would be letting people down, hurting them, or giving them reason to get angry with me – which I obviously wanted to avoid! So out of guilt and to the need to keep others happy, my reply was always “of course I can help you, I’d be happy to”.
I am very thankful that I’m no longer there, but so many people I know still find themselves in this predicament. I’m living proof to tell you that it doesn’t have to be this way and you’re simply just one “no” away from cutting the people pleasing ties that are keeping you small, allowing your authenticity to truly shine.
4 Truths About People Pleasing & How To Break Free
Below are 4 bold truths about people pleasing in relationships and business to help you finally break free.
1. You can’t help anyone, until you put yourself first
Feeling drained due to helping everyone else around you is detrimental.
You know how on the airplane safety videos they always tell you to put your own oxygen mask on first? This is specifically so you can stay safe, and then look at helping others, but only after you’ve helped yourself first. Take a look at your current reality and ask yourself – are you doing more for your life or for others? If the latter is true, the first step to expressing your innate truth is admitting a shift needs to occur.
Please note: This is not to be confused with helping others when it feels aligned, I’m specifically highlighting when saying yes puts you in a place of disempowerment, going against your inner truth.
2. Being a people pleaser is exhausting and disempowering
Work is tiring enough, but if you always show up wearing your people pleaser hat to the office or working with your clients, you’re bound to come home absolutely drained – not to mention your partner/ roommate will need to listen to you ranting on and on about how you’re not valued at work, exhausting them, and possibly forcing them into people pleaser status to make you feel better! (But I digress…)
Knowing your own worth and standing up for yourself is the best way to break free. No one will be able to do this for you – heck they probably don’t even see that there’s an issue, because you’re so willing to always put them first!
3. Transformation occurs when you stop trying to always please others
Remember that time when your friend asked to borrow your car, but you were just about to use it. Instead of having your planned night out, you allowed them to take it. As long as they’re happy, you’re happy right? Um, ya no. That doesn’t work anymore when you’re tapped in to the understanding of who you truly are in this world.
Saying yes to things when you mean no, locks you into a brutal cycle of feeling like the energy is not being reciprocated which usually leads to resentment.
Here is your permission slip: you are allowed to say no. If you feel you should give an explanation, that may help others understand you’re shifting and although it may feel uncomfortable, they have the option to respect you for speaking your truth.
4. Setting clear boundaries is a MUST, in order to show up from an empowered place
The truth is the more you honor your intuition and say no to others, the more you say yes to you.
Think back to a time when someone close to you asked you to do something that you really didn’t want to do. Everything in your mind and body was rejecting their request, but you (perhaps even joyfully, though false) said yes. How did that make you feel after the fact? My guess is a feeling of misalignment from your purpose, and ignoring your true self. So many of us ignore our true feelings to make our partner / parent / child / friend happy in the moment. But if we are not showing up in our true expression, we are doing ourselves and our loved one a disservice. It’s ok to stay home from the party if you’re really not feeling it, the honesty you have with yourself will pave the way for others to do the same, eliminating one people pleaser at a time.
We all have a fear of rejection and it’s often asked “but what if I say no and my friends stop inviting me, or don’t like me anymore”. Doing things out of obligation or fear of rejection is unfair to everyone.
When you buy into the excuses that override your truth, you lower your self worth by believing on some level that what you have to offer is not valuable enough.
Do you know what actually happened when I started saying “no” to people? I earned more respect and the feeling of being taken advantage of totally disappeared.
I was truly now back in my power.
My relationships blossomed and my business soared when I fully realized that this transformation must happen from within and that I am the conduit, not the source for the transformation of my clients and loved ones.
By honouring my truth, setting healthy boundaries and asking for divine guidance of how to best support my relationships, I was able to overcome my addiction, proudly awarding myself the title of recovering people pleaser.