Hello everyone! Thank you for writing your relationship questions in the Facebook comments below last month’s column. I try to choose and answer questions that everyone can relate to. Even if your question wasn’t chosen, spirit guides give me messages that speak to more than one person, so there may be something written here that helps you understand what’s going on in your own relationship and life.
QUESTION: Does this relationship have potential?
Michele writes: Hi Jessica, I’m seeing someone at the moment but he sends mixed signals about where we are or what our relationship really is. Some days I feel like we have really connected and then he seems to back away. I really feel for him but wonder if it will work out. Should I be more patient or am I just wasting both our times?
ANSWER: Your relationship has potential if your partner is willing to face his fears.
Hi Michele! On one level, this man wants to connect and have an intimate relationship with you. On another level, he is frightened of that deep intimacy and wants to hide. His inner conflict makes you feel like you’re not moving forward together.
There are two fears that prevent people from getting close. One is the fear of rejection, and the other is the fear of commitment. The man you are dating has a mixture of both. Underneath his fear of rejection is the fear he’s not good enough, and underneath his fear of commitment is the fear that he’ll lose the freedom to be himself in a relationship. Both of these fears begin in childhood and everyone has them to one degree or another.
Even though you aren’t pressuring this man to define the relationship, my sense is that he still feels pressured to meet expectations in relationships in general, and that pressure is unacceptable to him. This is why he pulls away after getting close — because somewhere in his mind, relationship equals the loss of freedom.
You have the same fears, Michele, but to a much lesser degree. This relationship can only move forward if he gives himself the freedom to be himself, along with the unconditional acceptance he didn’t receive as a child. The only way that can happen is if he recognizes his pattern of getting close and then pulling away. My sense is that he doesn’t yet see what he’s doing. He’s not aware of the pattern. He just knows that he desires to connect with you, and once he gets a dose of that connection and intimacy, he feels uncomfortable. He doesn’t know why and can’t put his fear into words, but it isn’t your fault. It’s not your job to heal his fear. Only he can do that anyway.
I’m getting the message that you already know whether this particular man is capable of growth. If he continues to move away from you after periods of closeness, it indicates that he’s stuck in his pattern — for now, anyway, and you needn’t wait. You never need to wait for someone else to be ready. Ask yourself whether you’re ready to go deep with a man who is also willing to face his fears. If the answer is yes, you’ll know what to do.
QUESTION: Is reconciliation possible?
Margaret writes: Hi Jessica, can you see a reconciliation between me and my ex? We were so happy for a year together, but I broke up with him 6 months ago over something stupid. I tried the next day to retract breaking up but it really hurt him as we were due to go on holiday the next week. I am devastated as I didn’t mean to do it. He won’t meet with me to try to discuss and clear the air though he is polite at the social venues we both go to. He says he has moved on. I feel there is love between us but can’t break down the barrier he has put up. Is it too late for us?
ANSWER: Reconciliation can only happen when both people are willing to forgive.
Hi Margaret! This may be a different answer than the one you were expecting, but in my experience, our spirit guides give us the messages we need to hear most. The most important message I’m hearing is that it’s time to stop blaming yourself for this break up. You were having a bad day when you hastily broke up with your ex, and even though it was hurtful for him, you were quick to realize your mistake and eager to make amends.
In any marriage or partnership, there needs to be enough flexibility to have emotional outbursts, apologize, and come back together. This break up and the way it happened was unfortunate, but your ex is showing you how inflexible he is. Your impulsiveness lasted for a day, while he has managed to cut you out of his life for six months. Instead of having compassion or tolerance for your mistake, he punishes you for hurting him.
It’s time to stop punishing yourself. Your guides are offering you another perspective now. If you can stop making yourself wrong for how you acted, you will see how unsustainable this partnership really is, and you can move on. He has shown you that he is not willing to forgive, understand, or just listen, and how can you possibly create a life with someone who cannot do any of these things? Great marriages and partnerships depend on these abilities. No one is perfect, and we all make mistakes. We all need forgiveness and understanding — especially from ourselves.
Forgive yourself, grieve the loss of the relationship, and let him go.
QUESTION: Will I ever attract an available man?
Rose Ann writes: Hi Jessica, I have been a lone wolf half of my adult life, and I reached a peak where I have been attracting the same unavailable man in a different package. I have been asking my guide for a happy, fulfilling relationship that meets me on all levels. Will I ever find that one? I am beginning to feel hopeless.
ANSWER: Yes! You will attract an available partner when you know in every aspect of your being that you are lovable.
Hi Rose Ann! There is really only one reason why we attract unavailable partners, and the answer is because in some way, we are also unavailable. After all, if you get together with someone who is truly available, you have to risk rejection in a much deeper way than you do with an unavailable man.
An unavailable man (or woman) isn’t really present in the relationship, and can’t truly see you. He hides behind fears of rejection and/or commitment and pulls away. He goes through the world hiding his own insecurities and doesn’t have time to see yours, so it’s not personal when he disappears. You intuitively know that he leaves because he’s wounded, not because you aren’t good enough.
An available man is willing to be seen and share himself with you completely. If you are available and willing to allow someone to see the real you behind the “lone wolf” mask you wear, there’s fear that the real you is not enough — and rather than risk being seen, you subconsciously choose the unavailable guy.
Another reason this happens repeatedly is because your inner child is doing the choosing. Your adult mind is asking for a relationship that “meets you on all levels,” but the inner child chooses unavailable men in an endless struggle to be good enough. If she can get an unavailable man to love her, she will finally prove that she has value. Available men don’t interest her because there’s nothing to prove. She doesn’t believe she’s good enough, so she has to work hard for the love she gets. Do you recognize this?
What you (and your inner child) are really searching for is the knowing that you’re okay just the way you are. When you really know that you are worthy of love, and there’s nothing you have to do to be good enough, you will attract a different kind of man.
You are right on the cusp of that now. You already recognize this pattern, and awareness is the first step to transformation.
Thank you for reading! Make sure to share your questions in the Facebook comments for next month’s column. If you would like a personal email reading, I offer that service on my website. Just follow the link in the About Jessica section below.