Thank you for writing in with questions! Please leave your questions in the Facebook comments to be considered for next month’s column. :)
Q: Should I stay or should I go?
Vanessa writes: Hi Jessica, I’m 46 years old. My relationships have only lasted 2 years or less. I have no children. I’ve spent many years without a relationship and then when I do connect with a man, it’s always short lived. The latest partner I’ve known for 1 year but it’s been off on off on. He broke it off with me the first time because he was scared I was going to hurt him. Then he came back explaining his fears. I adored him for this, what a beautiful man for sharing his fears. I wanted very much to connect with him, but it’s been a struggle. I seem to upset him all the time and he breaks up with me and then I mend the miscommunications we’re having and he comes back around and then something else happens. It’s quite exhausting. Two weeks ago I received yet another break-up message saying that our needs are different and he feels we are at different stages of our lives. Relationships are meant to flow together, this one keeps pushing me out. All I want is to be part of it. Should I persist with him to hope we can get what we both need or am I just setting myself up with more of the same rejections because he can’t move past his own fears?
A: Move On, You’re Already More Than Enough
Hi Vanessa, I’m so sorry you have had this frustrating experience. All successful relationships take work, but the work it takes to keep this one going is unsustainable. I’m hearing that he is looking for excuses to break up, and when he can’t find an excuse he creates one. So the answer to your question is, no, he can’t move past his fears — and quite honestly, part of him doesn’t really want to do the work, so I do not believe he’ll pursue healing in the future.
When I ask spirit guides why you wish to be part of something that keeps “pushing you out,” I get the message that you need to “get it right” for this judgmental man to prove that you are finally enough.
You are already enough.
If you can let go of trying to prove that you’re enough, this kind of back-and-forth will no longer hold your attention or be interesting to you. If you can embrace your worthiness, you can be free of fighting to prove that you’re worthy of love.
True fulfillment always comes down to self-love. The more you love yourself, the less you tolerate abuse from the outside. And believe it or not, this roller coaster he has you on is a form of emotional abuse — whether he intends for it to be or not.
Q: Will we get back together and will it work out this time?
Virginia writes: I want to try again with my ex-husband, and I believe he is also seeing us together again. I have loved him since I was 15 and we married when we were 39. We had a daughter together who is almost 21 now and getting married soon. We were married for five years and have been divorced since 1999, 19 years. I still love him and he says he loves me, so will we get back together and will it work out this time? We are both 63 and I feel we have both changed for the better.
A: Commit Without Expecting Too Much Change
Hi Virginia! I’m hearing that this can work out if your lives don’t have to significantly change in order to be together. Your ex-husband truly loves you, but I’m hearing that he wants to maintain the ease of his life now. He is not interested in paperwork, joint accounts, and all the “business” associated with marriage and partnership. If you can have an understanding that you’re committed to each other but nothing really has to change, he will embrace life with you.
I’m seeing a possible situation in which you hang out together, maybe even live together, but not another official marriage. He wants the monogamy without the paperwork. He wants a partnership that is easygoing. He wants an easy life.
If this is something that you also want, if you’re happy with who he is now and you don’t need him to change a single thing — you have found your man. All you need to do is let him know that you want him and you don’t need him to change his address — or anything else — and I feel that he will say yes to becoming a couple again.
Q: My husband’s behaviour is degrading me. What do I do?
Catherine writes: Been married for 46 years. Husband has been unfaithful two or three times. As I get older I’m finding it hard to deal with this. His attitude is that was in the past but when he has a good drink he starts ogling other women and it makes me feel degraded.
A: Accept It Or Move On.
Hi Catherine. The message I’m getting is that it’s not his ogling that makes you feel degraded, it’s the story you tell yourself about the ogling that hurts. Whenever you notice him looking at other women, you make the assumption that he’s looking at them because you are not enough. After all, if you were enough for him, he wouldn’t look at anyone else… right?
Well, actually, no. Your husband is a man who likes women and notices them often — but that has nothing at all to do with your lack of value.
Here’s the thing: your husband is never going to change.
He’s never going to become someone else.
He’s always going to stare at other women, and if you decide to stay in this marriage, you need to find a way to tell yourself a different story about what that means. His staring is completely instinctual and he has no self-control. He’s like a little child that stares at strangers with his mouth open, and doesn’t realize he’s doing it.
I’m hearing that another reason you feel angry is that you don’t look at other men, and you wish he would treat you with the same level of respect. But by now you know that you and your husband are very different people, and he does not hold himself to the standards that you do. If you can accept your husband for who he is, you will be able to accept his behavior. If you need him to be different even though he is incapable of change, you are going to have a much harder time accepting life as it is.
If you cannot accept him the way he is (with his child-like behaviors), the only other option open to you is to leave. After 46 years, that won’t be easy, but it IS an option.
Q: I’m 50, will someone ever love me?
Renee writes: Is my love not good enough for anybody? When I love I do with my whole heart but never get it back. I’m 50 and I do want someone to love me and only me. Will it ever happen?
A: Talk to your inner child.
Hi Renee, it will happen if you can heal the perception that your love is not good enough for anyone. Part of you really believes this. She believes it based on evidence she has collected over a lifetime. But the evidence is not true evidence. When you believe something is true, you see the world through that distorted lens, and reality begins to resemble your belief.
You fall in love with men who can’t love you back, but it’s not your fault. In fact, you aren’t really choosing these men; your inner child is doing the choosing. She can’t prove her worthiness to someone who loves her unconditionally, so she chooses men who are a challenge, men who need healing, men who require a lot more “work.”
You can do some healing around this pattern. Talk to your inner child and let her know that she doesn’t have to heal or fix anyone to be worthy of love. She gets to be worthy of love simply because she exists. Her love is good enough for God, so let it be good enough for you — and when you reach this point, you will attract men who are more available and able to love.
Thanks so much to everyone who submitted their questions. Please drop me a comment below with your questions for next month!