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Thank you for writing in with questions! Please leave your questions in the Facebook comments to be considered for next month’s column. :)
Q: I’m in a violent and stormy marriage.
Cheri writes: Hi Jessica… My husband and I have been married for 4 years, lived together for 4 years, and broke up for a year before we got married. He had jealousy and insecurities that controlled his thoughts and was always screaming at me even if I was at work, calling me awful names and accusing me of cheating. We’ve had a stormy relationship and I wonder if it’s worth all I’m putting into it. I’ve been in violent relationships in each marriage. Yes, even this one has been physical with me and I’m not recouping so well these days… Is there something wrong with me for this to happen again?
A: The entire point of this marriage is to help you make a breakthrough.
Hi Cheri. Even if I tell you that your husband will never change and this marriage is not worth continuing, you will only be able to move on when you really love yourself. No one can tell you to leave him or give you the strength to do it. And the longer you stay, the more he’ll wear you down.
But there is a bright side to this: Every abusive relationship is an opportunity for you to see your pattern and break free. It will take a significant act of self-love to do it, but I believe in you. He will continue to push you until you’ve had enough.
Spirit guides are communicating with me through songs today. I just heard the lyrics from “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac: “When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know. You’ll know.” At some point, you will just pick up and leave. You will be finished with this. You will get to the point where you’d rather be alone for the rest of your life than put up with abuse. When you get to that point, you’ll never attract this kind of relationship again.
How do you get there? Love yourself more. See your inner child inside your mind. Ask whether she really deserves to be screamed at or knocked around. Then start letting her know that YOU love her, and will protect her from being abused. Become your inner child’s mother, and then watch what happens when he tries to hurt her again. You’ll become like a mama lion protecting her cub. That is your homework!
Q: Will he ever come back or should I move on?
Cory writes: I went through a terrible divorce with my ex as he struggled with addiction for years. I didn’t begin dating till almost 3 years later and met this wonderful man. There was instant connection and chemistry between us. We dated for about 8 months, I was given the opportunity to meet his 2 little boys, and we spent most of our weekends together. Out of nowhere he broke it off… said it all happened too fast, he was developing feelings he was afraid to admit to himself. I was devastated by losing him. Do I wait in hopes he’ll make his way back? Or is it time to move on?
A: Grieve and move on.
Hi Cory. The first thing I hear are the words to the song, “Sunny Side of the Street:”
“Grab your coat and get your hat
Leave your worry on the doorstep
Just direct your feet
To the sunny side of the street”
When I hear those words, I get the message that this man did not want things to get real. Your relationship was initially an exciting escape from the reality of his life and responsibilities. When your relationship got real and stopped being an escape, he ran away. I would not wait for him to return. I get the sense he wants freedom and to be “on the sunny side of the street” more than he wants commitment.
You, on the other hand, are looking for a partner in the real world, and I’m hearing he can’t give that to you. So what’s the good news here? You said, “He opened my eyes to a world I never knew existed.” I’m getting the message that that was his purpose in your life. Now you know there’s MORE to life and love.
I know it’s incredibly hurtful to let go of something that felt so right. But just keep this in mind: as amazing as your chemistry and connection was, you wanted two very different things. He wanted an escape from the real world, and you wanted partnership IN the real world. Keep going, Cory. You can have the close connection with someone who wants what you want.
Mardell writes: Hi, I am in my 70′s but look and act much younger. I love life and plan on living it to the fullest while I can. I have had many loves in my past. Most have died but one walked out and it changed the way I look at love for awhile. Now I can’t find anyone who fulfills the spark in me. Has it died and will there finally be someone who can light that spark again?
A: Yes! Change your story about love and you’ll find it again.
Hi Mardell. The message I’m getting is that you are the only one who can reignite your spark. I’m hearing that when this man walked out of your life, you told yourself a story about what his walking away meant, and you’ve held onto that story. Your guides make me feel like you’ve been stuck in that moment ever since. They show me an image of you listening to the same song over and over again.
Life is happening in the present, and I’m hearing your guides say that when you decide to let go of that old story (which isn’t true anyway), you’ll be able to see more possibilities in the now. That spark, which never really left you, will come roaring back into focus as you direct your attention in a new direction.
There is absolutely no reason why you can’t continue to experience love. Your guides are showing me a picture of the author Louise Hay, who began a new romantic relationship in her late 80’s. As you might know, her outlook on love and on life was always one of unlimited opportunity. This could also be a message to read one of her books to help you move forward.
Q: Should I stay or should I go?
Jen writes: I’ve kept my so-called guy friend in my life on and off for 16 years. At first it was genuine love, at least for me… but he has done some messed up things in the past — like move in with me and then move out 3 months later, like marrying someone without me knowing and then telling me it’s because he wanted children, which he knew I couldn’t. I’m 63, he’s 54… I met him when I was 47 after a bad breakup with my children’s father. He ended his marriage in 2011, I tried staying away and not speaking with him but he always came back around. I chose to forgive. But now I’m upset at myself for staying in this “whatever we have”. Should I stay or should I go?
A: Respect your desires and go
Hi Jen. I’m hearing you feel torn because the connection between you is so strong. The problem is not with the chemistry. The problem is that you both want different things. That’s why he married someone else and it’s why he continues to hold himself back now. The age difference isn’t as big of a deal as it was in the past when he wanted children, but it’s still holding him back from making a commitment.
You’re angry because you feel like he is using you. That is what infuriates you — that he seems to love you, but he hangs back waiting for something else that fits into his vision. You would feel less angry if he didn’t come wandering into your life every time he felt lonely. It’s really quite selfish on his part.
You have different visions of life. He wants life to look a certain way, while you are open to what life has to offer. Do you see the difference? Chemistry or not, that’s a really different approach to life and it’s not a very compatible one.
He doesn’t want to let you go but he still wants to keep his options open. I’m hearing that this really doesn’t work for you. You want more from a partner, and why not? You hang in because you think this is all the love you may ever have, and I don’t think that’s true… unless, of course, you decide that it is. Read the guidance I gave Mardell in the question above. I feel it relates to you as well.
Thank you all so much for writing in with questions! Write your questions in the Facebook comments below to be considered for next month’s column.