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Your relationship questions are welcome! Just write them in the Facebook comments below to be considered for next month’s column.
Q: Is my love life over?
Tanya writes: Hi Jessica. I’m 72. A psychic told me there’ll be nobody else for me after my last boyfriend, whom I loved very much, but finally accept the relationship wasn’t best for me. I have met a new man who seems very keen, but mainly only sexually. Can this develop into the loving relationship I’d like?
A: Your love life is just beginning again.
Hi Tanya! The new man in your life is proving that your love life is not over. I would be wary of any psychic who tells you with such certainty that there won’t be anyone else. I’ve been a psychic for a long time, and while it’s possible to intuit what someone’s future holds, we always have choice. Things are not so black and white. If you desire a loving relationship, you can create it by consciously moving toward that possibility. It just takes patience and going through the (frustrating, at times) process of dating, which is what you’re doing now.
Move On, Don’t Settle
My sense is that this current man is in your life to give you the confidence to move forward, but you don’t have to settle. Rather than waiting for this to develop into the relationship you’re dreaming of, recognize that it isn’t what you really want, and keep moving forward. He does appear to have a “one-track mind,” and that’s fine, but I hear you saying you want something deeper. Keep looking for what you want. Don’t allow that psychic’s words to stop you from putting yourself out there and meeting new people.
This Isn’t The End
This does not need to be the end of your romantic life, and I sense that in some ways, it’s just beginning. Leaving your last relationship was a huge breakthrough for you, and you are not the person you were in the past. I’m hearing you have more potential now, than at any other time in your life, to create a relationship that’s in alignment with who you are.
Q: How can I heal from so much disappointment?
Tawn writes: I have struggled to understand the relationship between my ex and I. I moved cities and left my family for the bond between us, believing that he was my twin flame, even getting confirmation on it from another medium. However, when we split it was confusing, and though I tried to act like it was ok, I find myself deeply saddened and lacking trust in relationships. How can I best seek to heal and manifest a good environment for my next love?
A: You can heal by embracing your emotions.
Hi Tawn! When we tell ourselves that someone is a “twin flame,” and then things don’t work out, we lose faith in our ability to read situations and see clearly. We get confused because things are not what we thought they were, so it’s no wonder you lack trust. I’m hearing it’s not relationships you don’t trust, it’s your own perception of what’s real and true.
You Are Already Whole & Complete
The concept of a twin flame makes the assumption that there is only one person with whom you can merge and feel complete. It also makes the assumption that you are incomplete by yourself, and this can never be true. You are whole and complete, now and always.
I’m hearing that this man seemed like someone you couldn’t live without because he had qualities that you have disowned in yourself. When you reject certain parts of who you are, you long for reunification with those parts, and will find them “out there” in someone else. I’m sensing that your ex carried a lot of emotional pain, and part of the excitement of being with him was helping him heal. You wanted to make all his pain disappear. You related to him this way because of your own pain, which you have disowned and pushed aside. A good example of this is how you acted like things were okay, but inside you felt deeply saddened. You haven’t had permission to express sadness (or anger), and because of this, you were deeply drawn to a man who wore his emotions constantly. Your desire to be with him is really a deeper desire to connect with your own emotions, and through them, your long lost self.
Express Yourself, Feel The Grief
So, how can you “heal and manifest a good environment for your next love?” Express your feelings. Don’t push the grief down any longer. Allow yourself to be sad, broken-hearted, and ANGRY. You changed your entire life to be with someone, and the relationship didn’t work out. Let yourself grieve that loss, and let yourself get angry. If you can do that, you’re on your way to loving and accepting yourself. When you love and accept yourself, you do not need someone outside of you to feel complete. Instead, you get to embrace the possibility of relationship as the whole and complete person you already are.
Q: Will we stay married?
Cathy writes: Will me and my husband stay married or has he fallen out of love with me and is just here because of my sickness?
A: Your relationship can heal if you begin talking to each other.
Hi Cathy! It is time for total truth between you and your husband. I feel that there’s still love there, but you’re not feeling that love for two reasons. The first is that you are afraid that you’ve become a burden, and you’re judging yourself and feeling insecure. The second is that you don’t talk to each other anymore.
Share Your Deepest Fears
One way to reestablish your bond is to confide in him about your deepest fears. I know that can be scary, but being open with your feelings gives him permission to do the same, and telling the truth can be much more intimate than sex. My sense is that your husband keeps his feelings to himself, and you’ve grown accustomed to not speaking about emotions. You have both focused on responsibilities and the details of surviving financially for a long time — and the romance took a back seat to all of that.
Stress Can Lead To Sickness
Being chronically sick can be stressful, and so it’s even more crucial that you find a way to speak to each other. I would start by letting him in on your fears that he no longer loves you, and the deeper fear you hold of not being worthy of love because you’re sick. I’m hearing that he isn’t used to that kind of talk, but remember that you’re giving him an opportunity to share his fears with you, too.
I feel that your husband still loves you, but he feels helpless and doesn’t know what to do. Allow yourself to be emotionally vulnerable with him, and you’ll feel closer and more connected.
Q: Will I ever meet someone who loves me for who I am?
Clare writes: Hi Jessica, I was with the same man for 13 years and he asked for a divorce when I was pregnant with my second child. He since has moved on and I’m happy for him. I met someone else but he moved overseas and we had an amazing time together when he was back. We both knew it couldn’t be anything but I feel like I’ve lost my person. In between all this I was diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy and although I’ve put my health first, it’s always in the back of my mind if I will ever meet someone who sees me for me.
A: Being loved for who you are starts with you loving and accepting yourself in the deepest possible way.
Hi Clare! Relationships that can’t “be anything” because of distance often take on a magical quality due to their temporary nature. It’s easy to feel more connected in these relationships because both people know it’s not going to last, and as a result, they are less guarded and restrained. In a permanent relationship, it’s harder work to keep the spark alive, and there’s more opportunity to experience rejection.
Having a wild and beautiful romance that you know won’t last is a bit like going somewhere on vacation and deciding you want to live there. Once you move to that location, you realize there’s traffic and hassles associated with the place that you didn’t notice when you were on vacation. Be very wary of telling yourself the story that this man is “your person.” If he were truly your person, conditions would have aligned so you could create a lasting partnership together.
Loneliness & Your Health
I’m also getting the message that you have been really lonely, and it’s been hard dealing with your health challenges alone. As you focus on getting stronger physically, give yourself the love, respect, and acceptance that you would want from someone else. Part of your healing involves processing the abandonment you experienced when you were pregnant. That wasn’t your fault, and if you can give yourself unconditional love (and not abandon yourself) you will not feel abandoned by life, God, your ex-husband, or this man who moved overseas. Be your own best friend, and that energy will radiate out into the universe and attract the kind of love that “sees you for you.”
Thank you so much for writing in and reading. If you have a question for next month’s column, please let me know in the comments below :)